The Planet Blog

What do you get when you combine a shark, a cow, a witch doctor, a Caterpillar, and Chuck Norris?

The 24 Hours of LeMons – Texas style.

As a mock homage to the 24 Hours of Le Mans in France, the LeMons series encourages irreverence, redneck ingenuity, and dumb luck in a two-day endurance car race that gentleman racers consider a sign of the Apocalypse. The catch is that you can’t spend more than $500 on your vehicle before adding safety gear, and the grand prize is $1,500 — all in nickels.

To succeed in LeMons, you need to have driving skills, mechanical skills, people skills, and a good gimmick (like turning your car into a tank, complete with a turret). If the crowd is against you for cheating or bad driving, they can name you “The People’s Curse,” and your vehicle is summarily destroyed on the second day by a very affectionate front-end loader.

Of course The Planet fielded a team: Team Chuck Norris.

Beginning at the Beginning

Chuck Norris doesn’t race cars. Cars race Chuck Norris.

In March, Nadja Pollard told me about the race in Angleton, Texas, and sent a link that changed my life … or at least the past few months of my life: http://www.24hoursoflemons.com/. I knew We Must Do This. I asked around the office if anyone else would be interested in playing along, and within a day, we had our core team, comprised of Nadja, Erin Schoenhals, Michael Menefee, Nathan Newton, Tim Schuh and me – Team Chuck Norris was born. We found the preparation to be a straightforward three-step process.

Step One: Find a car. We picked up a Toyota MR2 and a Nissan 200SX as a backup, both solid contenders in their own rights. The MR2 would be a more suitable race car if we could get it running. The 200SX was cheap ($275) and needed VERY little work.
Step Two: Find sponsorship. Doug agreed to have The Planet sponsor our team after we promised that we wouldn’t get hurt, and when he heard that one of our competitors competed in a similar race, he was completely on board. At this point, we welcomed Andrew Siverly, who just happened to have worked for our largest customer, to the team as a driver. The MR2’s engine had yet to turn over, so we kept tinkering.
Step Three: Get it going. Team Chuck Norris was accepted by the LeMons powers that be! The pressure was on to actually build the racer. The MR2’s reluctance to become a fully functioning automobile forced us to resort to Plan B and bring the 200SX into the spotlight. I started feeling the car out by using it as a daily driver at this point …. She wasn’t winning any beauty contests, but she could get you from point A to point B pretty reliably. We ordered a safety cage, seat, tires, and brakes, and we started the transformation from car to “The Fist of Chuck Norris.” (In LeMons, this safety equipment does not count against your car’s value, so we ensured that the car was as safe as it could be). We needed to round out our team with a sixth and final driver, so we initiated Drew Cleaver to the team.

On The Track

“Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a crash helmet. Crash helmets are modeled to replicate Chuck Norris’s skull structure.

Friday morning of race weekend, we unloaded, set up camp, and prepped for practice – the first time our car had been on a track. The car performed quite nicely: it was predictable and stable with no bad habits. Everyone except Erin (who was held up at work) got to turn a few laps to get familiar with the car, the track, and how the two interacted.

It’s said that there are 2 kinds of racers – losers and cheaters. LeMons has a tech inspection plus the “BS Inspection” – a screening process used to catch the most egregious cheaters. Luckily, Justice is NOT blind and can be bought with tequila, steaks, or pastries. We had to convince them that our 1980s-rear-drive-Japanese-sporty coupe was NOT a drift car worth a couple grand. Some cupcakes, hidden money, and having our story straight got us through. The AWESOMENESS of our Chuck Norris hood graphic helped too. The judges either dug it, or feared it.

Start Your Engines

Chuck Norris = Mass x Acceleration

Saturday morning we sent our ringer Drew to start the race. Minutes before green, the car stopped on the front straight. The ignition still cranked over with the key and the accessories worked, but the car just wouldn’t budge. Luckily, our day didn’t end prematurely … one of the wires went loose on our emergency cutoff switch, so we were back in the race after a little tightening, and Drew made up time by driving like mad.

I was in the driver’s seat next, and after getting comfortable with the race conditions, I became braver and more aggressive. Unfortunately, I made an error and passed another car under a yellow (caution) flag. The officials black-flagged me and I went to receive my punishment, which is one of the most entertaining features of LeMons … The judges had a special penalty for us because we were from Texas. I had to swear on a Bible to the following “facts” in addition to sitting out for 30 minutes:

1. Texas isn’t the biggest state in the US … Alaska is.
2. If you cut Alaska in half and made 2 states, Texas would be the 3rd largest state.
3. Quebec is bigger than Texas, they speak French in Quebec, and everything is bigger in Quebec.
4. Paul Newman was from Ohio. Not Texas.
5. James Dean was from Indiana. Not Texas.
6. David Koresh was from Texas.

They spray painted the car with “Alaska #1″ and “Quebec #2,” which still gives us chills. Our next driver was Andrew. Shortly into his stint, he was boxed in on a turn and the back end of the car slid out. Another black flag. The Bible was back out and Andrew swore one of the most awful things I have ever heard: that you could get a better steak in Kansas City than in Texas. This is blasphemy, of course, and Andrew has been in touch with his clergyman to clear his soul of that statement.

Next out was Erin, who drove clean the entire weekend. No drama whatsoever. Nadja followed Erin and as she was out turning laps. A car she was behind blew its engine, and she slid off the track thanks to the oil spewing from the disabled car. Luckily the Bible stayed in the drawer, and we only spent the 30 minutes in impound.

Tim went out last on Saturday and brought the car back with no incidents.

Our first day of racing was over, and the car had performed nicely. We did a full inspection and simply rotated the tires for Sunday. Compared with several teams, that was nothing. The car that blew in front of Nadja was already involved in a full engine swap. Another team had boiled their brake fluid, and hadn’t brought any replacement. We gave them what we had, helped out other teams where we could and called it a night.

On the Road Again …

Land Speed Records Are Set By Those trying To Flee From Chuck Norris.

On Sunday morning we got called to a special “you’ve been very naughty” meeting as our 3 flags the day before had not put us in the good graces of the judges. Luckily there were a bunch of teams in the same boat, and the judges took mercy by resetting the penalty count.

Tim was first and made up some time, but then passed under yellow. The judges weren’t happy, but they went easy on us. They stuck donuts under our wipers and the glaze melted to the glass as we waited in impound. Drew went out next, followed by Erin, Nadja and Andrew.

The black flag waved again when Andrew was forced off by the eventual race winner. By this time the judges didn’t care anymore, and I went back out with about an hour’s work to get to the checkers.

At this point in an endurance race the goal is to finish. I took it easy for a few laps, but the adrenaline kicked in and the spirit of Chuck came to me and ramped up my driving. A couple laps later as I was making a trip down the start/finish straight, I looked in my mirror to see the race leader get the checkered flag just behind me, so I had only one lap of racing left. I put the hammer down and flew under the flag with a well-respected finish!

The Checkered Flag

Chuck Norris IS the “I” in “Team”

The car made it in relative style and comfort – no mechanical problems at all. Our drivers turned laps both days, and we finished the race. Our final result was 26th out of 76 entrants, with 330 laps complete. Everyone was in good spirits and had a lot of fun. The best part is, even after our $275 car went full tilt on a track for two days, I drove it back to our hotel with the A/C on with no problems, and I am still driving it to work!

If the 24 Hours of LeMons comes back to Texas next year, I don’t think we’ll have any problems fielding another team. The race organizers gave our car a residual value of $250, which means we’ve got $250 to spend making the car faster before next year! If you’ve got a running motor out of an 84-89 Nissan 300zx that you don’t need, don’t hesitate to contact me.

I challenge you to have a go at this yourself. You’ll put in some long weekends getting an impossibly crummy car ready to race, but if you like cars and racing at all, you will have a blast. This is about the least expensive motor racing you can do, and it’s worth every penny – all 50,000 of them.

See you at the track,

-Dave
(Chuck Norris)

P.S. If you want to know what the roar of the engine sounded like from inside the cockpit, check out the footage from our in-car camera (note the donuts on the windshield):

P.P.S. If you were curious about what happened to “The People’s Curse” …

Courtesy of Peasant Racing (check out their excellent race coverage)

One of The Planet’s core values is integrity: “In all aspects of our business, our actions are ethical, honest and consistent with our values and can withstand scrutiny of the light of day.”

That core value is evident throughout our day-to-day operations, and recently, our managers reinforced it, reminding us that they keep their promises (costs to their dignity notwithstanding).

If you recall the epic Underdogs vs. Big Dogs dragon boat race, a last-minute wager made the competition pretty interesting: The losing team had to buy a meal and serve it to the winning team.

The Underdogs were victorious (a point that we often reference), so the Big Dogs kept their end of the bargain by serving us breakfast and answering our every beck and call … and we made sure they stayed busy. We were served an elaborate spread of tasty breakfast selections and the managers, led by head waiter Doug Erwin, poured our drinks, delivered our food, picked up our trash, and answered any and all of our absurd requests (back rubs, special orders, spreading jam on toast … you know, the usual).

As you can see, the Big Dog attire for the event was a unique blend of elegance and formality: tuxedo T-shirts.

The Underdogs gathered early, eagerly awaiting their “breakfast served with a smile.” Once the food arrived, an assembly line of “waiters” marched towards the table, each carrying different breakfast items. They all used proper manners, i.e. “What would you like, ma’am?” or “How can I help you, sir?”

Every request was taken with the utmost sincerity. When an Underdog requested milk, a Big Dog quickly headed upstairs to the refrigerator. They were patient as we decided on our pastry selections (and subsequently changed our minds), and made sure to fix our coffee just the way we liked it … we were even offered a variety of creamers. Our orange juice was hand-shaken and poured into our glass. And, once all 20 members of our team were full, each manager took a tray and headed to the call center to distribute the rest of food.

Some of the managers continued to wear their shirts for the rest of the day, and the extra shirts were distributed to the Underdogs to wear as a reminder of the stunning victory.

The team spirit and friendly competition have come to an end … at least for now. There is another Dragon Boat Regatta in October, and if the managers are up for it, we would be happy to place another friendly wager on the outcome.

May the best team win! (GO UNDERDOGS!!!)

- Rachel

P.S. Head over to our Flickr page for more pictures from the breakfast.

You’ve seen a few glimpses of our company culture in recent blog posts, so it’s only fitting that you hear about a little boating competition last weekend, care of the Texas Dragon Boat Association.

Our CFO Kevin Klausmeyer threw down the gauntlet a couple months ago in a team-wide email: “Let’s pit the managers against the rest of the company, and see who wins in a 250-meter dragon boat race down Buffalo Bayou.” Most of the folks around the office had never heard of dragon boating prior to Kevin’s email, but as soon as the inter-office challenge was put on the table, everyone made a point to find any relevant YouTube videos and Wikipedia articles and start training for what was sure to be an epic showdown.

The Texas Dragon Boat Association’s May Festival course accommodates three 22-person dragon boats at a time — each dragon boat having one “drummer,” twenty paddlers and one steersperson. Each team races at least three times and needs a minimum of 8 females and 8 males in the boat for each race.

Before you write off the athleticism of the event and start humming “Row, Row, Row Your Boat,” you should note that these dragon boats can range from 30 to 100 feet long and only a few feet wide (just enough for one paddler on each side), each race is less than two minutes, and it’s a full-body workout. Teamwork and technique are the two most important components in a dragon boat race, so each of our teams had several practices to get everyone on the same page.

The managers chose to race under the name “The Planet Big Dogs,” so it was only fitting that the non-managers entered the competition as “The Planet Underdogs.” The other teams in the event couldn’t help but fear us as they read our team’s description in the program:

The Planet is widely regarded as an industry-leading IT Infrastructure provider. With multiple data centers, an incredible network and stellar support, we provide small- and medium-sized businesses with customized hosting solutions to fit their needs. We also harbor a secret: The Planet’s recent move to the Bayou Place in downtown Houston was not as innocent as it seemed … it was a strategic move to attract the former Olympians currently slated to paddle for us in the dragon boat races. Following a recent trip to the Yangtze River in China where we practiced our craft on the backs of real dragons, The Planet’s teams have consistently averaged 63 mph in nightly training races at a secret underground facility. In the interest of sportsmanship (and because we hate making our opponents cry), we will disguise our teams as a couple of rag-tag groups of first-time dragon boaters for this event. Autographs, training tips and a dragon boat DVD/Blu-Ray lecture series will be available to the losing teams at a nominal fee following the event.

Saturday rolled around, and everyone showed up to our luau-themed tent in their team shirts, and it was finally time to back up all the inter-office smack talk. Immediately prior to the race, the Underdogs were confident, the Big Dogs were creative: Doug came over to let us know “The winning team is accepting a 10% decrease in salary,” and the rest of the managers were quick to remind us that our yearly performance reviews were coming up soon.

Undaunted, the Underdogs took to the boat, and we made our way to the starting line. Apparently, the pride of the victory wasn’t going to be reward enough, so a last-minute wager was placed: the losing team has to buy and serve lunch to the winning team. The race was on: a team from Cafe Express in boat #4, the Underdogs in boat #5, and the Big Dogs in boat #6.

Always bet on the Underdogs.

The Big Dogs were very gracious in defeat, and we had a great time cheering for each other in rest of the day’s races.

In addition to the awards given to the fastest boats of the day, the TDBA gave a special “Spirit of the Dragon” award to the team that showed the most energy, involvement, and excitement. I’ll save you the suspense:

We won!

We had more than 100 participants, family, friends and cheerleaders throughout the day, so we’ve got a LOT of pictures from the event. I’ll be posting them on a dedicated “Dragon Boat Pictures” blog page so you can retroactively participate vicariously.

-Kevin